Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
