You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
