I faked an abortion last night.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
