You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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