Can i not drive my cunt home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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