At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
