sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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