There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize