My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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