when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
