My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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