The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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