i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
