Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
