my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
