just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
