I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
