So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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