I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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