I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
