I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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