A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
