Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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