my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
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