I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
