I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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