You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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