U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
