I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
