my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
