You surviving the open bar?
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Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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