You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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