I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
