So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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