last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
