On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dick very happy bro
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
