I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
