I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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