is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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