ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
