I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Randomize
