I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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