Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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