that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
