I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
