I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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