I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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