How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
