Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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