You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
