dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
