I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize