don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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