I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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