I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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